This blog was written March of 2017. How beautiful it is to reflect on how much has changed •and• what is & always will be True.

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Why is starting always the hardest part? Not only my question in this very moment, but coincidentally (or not) the theme of this last month in general. It's a good question. I mean let's be real for a moment; how many times have we let the start ultimately be what stops us from doing...well whatever, you fill in the blank. And then for the next question, why? For me the answer is fear or perfectionism. What is it I'm afraid of exactly? Failure, looking stupid, sharing, being judged, & getting hurt; just to name a few. And it's as I write this that I realize it's fear at the root of the perfectionism, at least in my case. It has to be this and it can't look like that. Otherwise I'll obviously fail, look stupid, say too much, be judged, and get hurt. Oh the ramblings of the internal dialogue.

At the beginning of the month I had the opportunity to travel out west for a business seminar. It was awesome. I got to see my family and some of my closest friends, and then I had my mind blown by my business and personal development teacher. The theme of the weekend - "pull the trigger!" Stop worrying about every little thing and trying to get it all just right. Just start, do something, do anything, and then from there you can adjust. The whole weekend I felt myself overcome with emotion, it was mixture of excitement, nervousness, and the indescribable feeling of knowing I was exactly where I was suppose to be. It felt like the colliding of my spiritual and worldly lives, the answer to how I could fulfill my soul's purpose here in this life. How I could take everything my soul specifically chose to go through to learn, grow, and ultimately serve others.

How did I not see it before?! The truth is I actually had, two years earlier at the same live event. But how did I lose sight? How did I forget? The answer, self doubt. That and an unwillingness to allow myself permission to dream that big. I let myself talk myself down. "You couldn't." "Who do you think you are?" "Let's be realistic." Again, the ramblings. But not this time. I have more knowledge, more tools, more clarity, a growing sense of confidence, and and unwavering determination to keep going despite the fear and doubt I may always face. A part of me resisted the entire way but I've finally made space in my life by letting go of the things that no longer serve me, and I'm ready to fill it with the things that bring me closer to truth, closer to light, closer to love, closer to myself, and closer to my purpose. My yoga teacher says that we only have to believe 50% that we can achieve our resolve, only 50%! Everything else comes down to just doing the damn work; showing up every day as we are (without judgement) and doing what we can, especially when you don't want to. That and having faith. Allowing ourselves to trust that the universe has our back, we have everything we need, and everything is exactly as it should be.

One of the special guests that weekend said something that has forever changed the way I will look at fear, he said "notice when you're afraid to do something, and see it as a sign that there is something amazing on the other side." If that's the case then what are we waiting for? Why are we hesitating, stopping, and starting over? It's a vicious cycle and life most certainly isn't going to wait for us. Do I know exactly where I'm going and exactly how I'm going to get there? Absolutely not, but who does? The plan is to let myself be guided by the part of me that just knows. To simply LISTEN. I call them the whispers. The whispers that say "do this" and "don't do that." The whispers that we ignore on a daily basis. They tell us to slow down, choose wiser, calm down, stand up, let go, don't give up, and go do that thing. I know you know exactly what I'm talking about. It tries to tell us what to do but a lot of the time we don't listen, instead we rationalize and convince ourselves otherwise, we listen to the ramblings. Ultimately I think that's what this journey is all about...learning to be guided by the divine spark within us. Maybe it's asking us to take a big leap of faith, maybe it's a tiny first step. Maybe it's taking better care of yourself, slowing down, speeding up, quitting your job, starting that project, or whatever millions of other things it could be. It doesn't matter what it is, you owe it to yourself to start. After that you just keep going, even if it takes you in a different direction. Be open, go with the flow...something I really need to work on myself.

Before the weekend of the seminar I got to play hookie with my little sisters who are both in middle school. I took them hiking to my favorite place, the same place where my husband proposed to me 5 years ago. Initially we were just going to follow the trail but as we got started I asked the girls if they trusted me, and without hesitation they answered yes. At that point we made our way off the trail and over to the rocks. We had been there countless of times before and never did I take the girls off the path; it was difficult and dangerous, but this time I knew they were ready. As we made our way up the mountain one of them asked "which way next?" I replied "there is no trail, just choose the best you can. There's a million ways to the same place, you just have to keep moving and figure it out as you go." She replied back "oh ok, just like life." Indeed. Just like life.

I was never meant to stay on the trail, I don't think any of us were. We were meant to make our own way. And it's my prayer that we're all able to strengthen the relationship with the part of ourselves that can guide us to our happiest, healthiest, and most fulfilled life.

With love,

Rayneen Thebeau