This blog was written April of 2018. How beautiful it is to reflect on how much has changed •and• what is & always will be True.

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Even with those closest to me, I am constantly finding myself feeling the need to explain myself, especially with the deeper stuff. So I’ve been asking the question - why? Why am I always front-loading everything I want to share? I mean there’s obviously the desire to be understood, but more than anything else I guess what I’m finding is fear. Fear of being judged, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being loved for ALL that I am. So I either hide away in some way, or deliver everything in a box with a pretty little bow.

In large part, the reason I started this blog, the podcast, and the YouTube channel, was to put myself out there. It was a way of beginning the exploration of what showing up in the world felt and looked like for me, and what I found along the way is that expressing myself means so much more than what I initially thought. As with everything else in this practice, it’s been a process of moving from the gross to the subtle.

When I first started all these projects I had such enthusiasm; arguably a little too much, as it ended up fueling my fire of over-doing. I’ve spoken/speak a lot of the importance of listening in and being guided, yet during this time I was finding myself struggling to do so. I felt confused, with the biggest problem being the conflicting voices I was hearing - one pleading for rest, and the other using fear and guilt to have me continue down the path I had been blazing for far too long. The sanskrit word for this kind of confusion is praynaparatha. It’s one of the 7 obstacles to clear seeing, and it means ‘too similar.’ I remember wondering which voice I was suppose to be listening to, and now looking back it all seems so clear. I guess hindsight truly is 20/20.

All this really started rising up once I got rolling with the podcast, mostly because I had imposed an unrealistic expectation on myself. Shocker, I know. It also didn’t help that all the business development trainings I’ve done over the years speak of consistent output. My plan was to release one podcast every 3 weeks; I thought the significance of the number three was a nice touch, but in reality, it only fed my OCD tendencies. I was able to keep up at first, but as I approached episode #7, I started hearing the quiet little whispers. “I’m so tired.” “Please slow down.” So I did, as choosing otherwise felt like deliberately disobeying the guidance being offered. I initially gave myself a few extra days to rest, and thought to myself, that should be enough. But it wasn’t, so I reluctantly gave myself a few more days, and those few more days turned into a week, and that week turned into a month.

By this point the stress was eating me alive, and despite listening to the prompts of the soul, I was becoming increasingly unclear. Due to the other voice I spoke of earlier, I was beyond conflicted as the rise of anxious exclamations grew louder. “What will they think?” “You know consistency is key.” “You’ll never build a following this way.” “You have to work for what you want.” “You’re slacking and SO far behind.” “You can rest once you finish.” Even thinking of it now induces a feeling of suffocation. Then, in the midst of the chaos, the following came out as I was writing in my practice journal.

I know I’m not seeing clearly because I’m suffering. One voice saying “I need guild free rest.” This is the ability to take care of myself and not feel the need to justify it or hide what I’m doing. The other voice saying “you need to do...” blah blah blah. This voice is worried about appearance and expectations, and wants to use the excuse of good business, but I don’t know if that’s my goal. Actually, I know it’s not. My goal is to be real. My goal is to help people. And the only way to do that is to take care of myself first.

(I feel my heart pounding in my chest - it’s truth rising to the surface.)

I guess the truth is I DO know which voice to listen to, I’m just afraid to. It’s as if I don’t want that to be the true voice, because that would mean I’d have to let go of control and have faith. This voice is urging me to focus on me. On true self. It’s urging me to do things differently, to make my own way and be REAL rather than concern myself with the “right” or “normal” way. My answer is to stop and slow down. My answer is to trust in the process.

I knew this piece of giving up control was the most important, but if I’m being honest, I really didn’t want to do. It’s not easy. I didn’t want to give up the (illusion of) control I had over how I am perceived. I didn’t want to be vulnerable or put the real me out there. “I’m safe when I’m in control.” Why? Because I don’t have to worry as much about disappointment and discomfort. This also means however, that I don’t get to be my full self. I don’t get to be free. So what hurts more? As my teacher has said many times, there are two kinds of pain - the pain of discipline and the pain of regret. I’m happy to say that I chose the pain of discipline, and I hope I always do.

The resistance that followed though. So Real. Like painfully real. You see, the idea is that once you begin to make a change, the momentum from your past will try and grab you by the ankles and pull you back. This is because there is part of us that is very much invested in us staying exactly as we are. As much as we may want change, we have to accept that there is also a part of us that wants to rest in the comfort of the way things are now, even if it’s actually quite uncomfortable. So what do we do? We do our practice. Every single day. We make time to connect with self in a deep and profound way. We learn to recognize all our different voices, faces, and feelings, and most importantly, we learn to listen in and be guided. We also have to realize that our practice is not only the time we carve out to sit on our cushion or move on our mat, it’s just as much the space and time between.

Over the last several months, I’ve retreated and done just that. With the guidance from within (despite the fear, discomfort, and doubt) I put myself on time out from DOing, so I could learn how to BE. I slowed down, created space, let go of what didn’t serve me, and opened to receive all that I was being given. I found balance between effort and ease, and now feel closer than ever to self and Source. I also realized that it’s no longer business development that I’m after, it’s spiritual. So now I rest in the knowing that THIS is how I’m going to live my most fulfilling life, and in doing so, how I’m going to help others do the same.

Just this last weekend I had the opportunity to be around another one of my teachers, my Bhakti teacher. I found myself hanging on her every word, and was repeatedly brought to tears as she touched in on the deepest of Truths. She was able to put into words and express that which I’ve only been able to feel, and most importantly, she was a clear and vibrant reflection of the divine light and love that is already inside me. As beautiful and touching as this is, I also found it to be quite painful. This is because I’m realizing that this desire/urge to BE myself is so much deeper and more subtle than I originally thought. If part of me is crying out to be fully embodied and seen in the world, then I can no longer continue to confine that which is so fundamentally a part of who I am.

So I’m done. I’m done hiding. I’m done putting myself in a box and wrapping myself in bows. And done feeling the need to explain myself. I can’t possibly BEcome who I’m meant to be if I don’t fully step into and own all that I am, which is a DEEPLY spiritual being. As my Bhakti teacher once told me, it is my birth right to celebrate the spirit of the universe and it’s spark that is within me and all around me.

So as I prepare to tip toe my way back into my worldly manifestations of self and work, I accept that fear may always be present, and I vow to fully, authentically, and unapologetically step into myself. Moving forward with faith, I trust that I am held, accepted, and loved for ALL that I am. And it’s my prayer that you know and feel that you are too.

With love,

Rayneen Thebeau