This blog was written July of 2017. How beautiful it is to reflect on how much has changed •and• what is & always will be True.

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So it's been a while...

When I originally started blogging, my plan (or maybe the more accurate word is expectation) was to write once a month. We're officially in July now, so that's two months I've missed. Might not seem like a big deal, because it isn't, but there's a part of me that feels differently and THAT is where the focus really needs to be.

Sprinkled in my journal over the last several months, as far back as December, are the words 'expectations' and 'slow down'. I knew back then that it meant something, but because I wasn't seeing the whole picture I am just now coming to understand what I was actually trying to make myself aware of.

Initially I told myself that 'expectations' was about me needing to let go of expectations regarding the outcome of all the work I've been doing; and don't get me wrong, that is important, but that's only a piece of it. And 'slow down' to me meant cutting back on the amount of sessions (clients and classes) I allow myself to teach each week so I could have more space and time to nourish myself. Which again, is so important but recently (since my last blog post really) I've found myself spinning faster and faster as I've slowly but surly filled all that space I created with nothing more than a different kind of work.

Over the last few months I've been working on a couple different projects, all things that I'm really passionate about and so excited to share. I had originally planned to be finished and launching by the week of the summer solstice...I thought that would be a nice touch but it only ended up being something else that I was attached to. Anyway, what I found as I was approaching my deadline (which I set) was that somewhere along the way I had lost sight of my original intention, to nourish myself. Which is actually pretty ironic as one of the projects I am working on is a self care program called Nourish. Go figure. It only took a brief meltdown under the pressure of my own expectations to realize what I had been trying to hint to myself all along - to be mindful of the expectations that I place on myself.

This isn't necessarily anything new though. I'm very much aware of my perfectionist ways and my tendency to push myself too hard. I've been that way since I can remember. I guess what I'm just coming to see now is how damaging that can be. See part of me feels very much justified in being that way because ultimately it is a good thing to push yourself and to strive for a certain standard, but with that being said too much of anything can lead to an imbalance. I realized it was an issue when the idea of pushing my launch date back in order to give myself what I needed, space and time, not only made me feel irritated but also slightly panicked. Immediately the voices chimed in - "Just push through, you can give yourself space after." "If you push back that means you couldn't do it." "You're just hesitating because you're afraid." All things that are very untrue.

As I sat there observing the shit show that was my mind I realized that this was a negative and reoccurring theme in my life, something that has and will continue to hold me back if I don't address it. Becoming aware is always the first step, so I can at least put a check by that, but now comes the difficult part...putting in the work to change the momentum of my past. I knew at that moment that if I chose to push through I was only feeding that destructive part of myself. So I decided to change the date of my 'Nourish Pre-Launch' in order to practice the self care that I preach.

One things my teacher says is that when we make it a point to change the trajectory of our path, that we are faced with some major resistance, both external and internal. So of course after deciding to slow down I'm hit with something that makes me want to speed back up. The other project that I'm working on is a Podcast, and that I had still planned to launch on time as I was pretty much done. But no. As I began the last of the pre-launch modules of the program I'm using to create my podcast, our teacher throws a curve ball at us. Not only are we to release 1 episode on launch day, we're to release 3. "How am I going to finish 2 more podcasts in 6 days when it took me an entire week to create the first one?" "Forget slowing down, I am not pushing back another date, you need to just put your head down and get it done."

Yikes. In the heat of the moment I was willing to risk the quality of my episodes, the formula of success, and my wellbeing just so I could launch on the day I had originally set. So so stubborn, that and very much attached to my expectations. After my second meltdown in a two week span it was more clear than ever what I really needed. So I swallowed my pride and pushed back the date of my podcast too. And now I feel relieved, like I can breath again. Of course I can still hear the murmurings of the part of myself that is not interested in changing my ways, that voice will always be there, but so will the voice that has my highest and best in mind. For me choosing which voice to listen to comes down to exercising my faith that we are best guided by the part of us that know best, even (and especially) when another part of us feels differently.

Something I wrote in my journal earlier this week that gave me some perspective is that when it comes to our time spent here in this world, WHAT we do/achieve is much less important than the HOW. And in a world that makes us feel like we have something to prove, I think it's important to ask ourselves what we're willing to sacrifice (wellbeing, integrity, relationships, etc) in the process of meeting expectations, both ours and those of outside influences. More importantly we need to ask ourselves what it is we need and truly want out of this life, regardless of what others think, and whether or not we're giving it to ourselves. Because the truth is no one else can, we are solely responsible for ourselves.

I truly believe that the most important work we will ever do in this life is the work we do on ourselves. From tending our basic physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs to taking a deeper look within to uncover the inner peace, wisdom, and power that resides within us all. In the end that's the only way we'll ever create real change in this world. And so it is my prayer that we will strengthen the relationship with the part of ourself that knows best, and discern the voices that try to convince us otherwise. That we will prioritize ourselves above all else knowing that it is not selfish, it's absolutely necessary. And that we'll learn to let go of our expectations and attachments to how we think things should be so we can accept them as they are, trusting that they are exactly as needed in order for us to see, learn, and grow.

With love,

Rayneen Thebeau